He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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