I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
