I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
