My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
