why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
