He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
