I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
