I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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