i just had sex bonerless
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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