Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
