sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
