Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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