Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
