In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
