I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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