Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize