i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
