No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize