Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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