some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i think we sleep fucked last night...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
