Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
