I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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