so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
