I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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