so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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