o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
even my farts smell like vagina
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
