Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize