Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
