I accidentally burped into my bong.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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