Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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