tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
