i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
