If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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