Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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