if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
