I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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