So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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