At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just forgot I was standing up.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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