kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
