A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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