taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
