oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
