Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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