tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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