dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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