you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
