I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
