I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
