i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
