I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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