I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize