I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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