it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
