The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
