this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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