so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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