Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
