so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
