I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
