you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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